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Find out in this Q&A with the author of Optimistic Parenting: Hope and Help for You and Your Challenging Child |
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About the author
 V. Mark Durand, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at the University of South Florida St. Petersburg, where he was the founding Dean of Arts & Sciences and Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs. While at the University at Albany–State University of New York (SUNY–Albany), he established the Center for Autism and Related Disabilities. He is a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Durand is known worldwide as an authority in the area of autism spectrum disorders. He has received more than $4 million in federal funding since the beginning of his career to study the nature, assessment, and treatment of behavior problems in children with autism spectrum disorders. He has been awarded the University Award for Excellence in Teaching at Dr. Durand is currently co-editor of the Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, a member of the Professional Advisory Board for the Autism Society of America, and is on the board of directors of the international Association of Positive Behavioral Support. He is also the author of Sleep Better! A Guide to Improving Sleep for Children with Special Needs.
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Q: Parents of children with challenging behavior often understand the steps professionals recommend to address the disruptive behavior but may have difficulty following through. Why is that, especially when reducing the behavior is so crucial to a family's quality of life?
A: Our thoughts and feelings always influence what we do. I like to use the example of people trying to lose weight to show what may happen to some parents. There are thousands of diets being sold each year to help people shed a few pounds. However, scientists have long known that to lose weight, the best and simplest strategy is to eat fewer calories and exercise more. Yet, many people just can't do this. For example, if you are stressed and anxious because you had a bad day you might eat that large dessert because it temporarily makes you feel better and, well, you're worth it! Or if you think you are failing on a diet and that makes you feel bad about yourself, you might skip the walking that you swore you would do. These types of thoughts can sabotage a diet. In parenting, the same thing happens to many mothers and fathers. You may have had a long day battling life and your child and now it's bedtime, which always seems to be a problem. Your willpower weakens and you let your child stay up later and fall asleep in front of the TV to avoid a fight about going to bed. Or, you are trying to calm down your screaming child in the store and you know everyone is looking at this and judging you as a bad parent. You give in to your child's request for a toy despite your better judgment just so the tantrum will stop and people will stop judging you. Many parents face both challenging children as well as thoughts and feelings about parenting that get in the way of their best instincts. Q: Your new book offers hope to parents by providing techniques that have been shown to help with "real families facing real challenges" as well as tools to help them summon the strength and confidence they need to follow through. Why are both of these ingredients crucial? A: This book is the first to combine the best of our knowledge about what to do for misbehaving children and new research that shows us how to summon up the strength and confidence to do it. Over the years we have learned that when it comes to being a successful parent, confidence without knowledge or knowledge without confidence are recipes for failure. Some mothers and fathers need help knowing how to react to their child's misbehavior (What do I do if she won't go out to the school bus?). And this is what most books and trainings focus on—the "what" part of parenting. Yet, as we have seen in our work over the past decade, many parents need more. They need a new way of looking at themselves (I can do it!), of looking at how others influence them (Despite what others think, I am doing a good job as a parent) and of looking at their child's ability to change (Despite my child's other problems, she can behave better). Without this optimistic view of parenting, mothers and fathers fail to carry out the best techniques for helping their child. This book covers both the "what" and the "how" of good parenting. Q: In your work you have emphasized the importance of getting behind the "why" of a child's behavior—in your new book, you seem to be giving equal emphasis to getting behind the "why" of the parent's actions (or inactions). What has your research shown about what is blocking success for some parents? A: For decades, professionals have been faced with parents who do not fully follow through with their recommendations. And, unfortunately, the implication has been that these families are non-compliant, resistant or worse, "bad parents"! What is ironic is that we have for years held the belief that if a child didn't respond to a behavioral treatment, it was our fault. We as clinicians needed to change how we were working with the child in order to see better behavior. My work (and that of others) focused on why the child was misbehaving (to get attention) and use that information to design a new plan (teach the child a good way to get attention). We did not assume that a challenging child was just "bad" but instead took on the responsibility of understanding the child better. In the same way, we are now trying to show professionals in this field that if families do not carry out their behavioral programs, they need to better understand what obstacles these parents face. Our research points to understanding the thoughts and feelings these parents describe as being significant obstacles to good parenting. "Resistance" or "non-compliance" may simply be signs of these attitudinal obstacles. By understanding why parents do not carry out our suggestions we have come up with this new approach to helping them. Q: Your new book is called "Optimistic Parenting." What are the characteristics of an optimistic parent? A: First, it is helpful to know what an optimistic parent is not. It is not someone who believes unrealistically that everything is going to be just fine. Being a successful parent takes hard work, and there are inevitable heartaches and anxieties. Setbacks are inevitable. However, a truly optimistic parent can recover from setbacks. Parents need a level of confidence that they are able to make important changes in their child and that their child is able to improve. But even more than just confidence, we are teaching parents that they can take this experience with their challenging child and turn it on its head. What we teach them about confidence and how to deal with problems can actually make them happier and more satisfied individuals. In other words, how parents approach the challenges posed by their child can give them a new sense of what is important and lead to a better life. Yes, in fact, the very child who tests their patience on a daily basis, who makes them question their abilities as a parent and who may be the source of many sleepless nights could be the secret to a better, more fulfilling life. And, in turn, a happier parent—along with the parenting techniques in the book—can lead to improvements in their child's behavior. An optimistic parent is confident, aware of both the good and the bad, and is grateful for those good times and the people who help to create them. Q: Can you provide a sample scenario illustrating two different outcomes when a parent addresses the situation from an optimistic viewpoint and from a pessimistic viewpoint? A: Here is a common problem situation for parents: A young family of three is sitting in a restaurant. The food is a bit late coming out, and the young boy is getting antsy. His father is trying to distract him, but the boy starts to whine that he is hungry. His mother watches them interact. Other people in the restaurant begin to take notice. Here is how pessimistic parents might respond: The father is thinking, Why did we take him out tonight? This happens every time. He's not capable of sitting for too long, and this is all our fault. The mother is silently watching her husband and son, but feels the eyes of everyone on her. I know what they are saying, she is thinking to herself. Parents shouldn't bring their kids out to a nice place if they can't control them. They probably blame me and think I'm a terrible mother. This is just a disaster and I'm never taking him here again. She reaches into her purse and hands her son a candy bar, knowing full well this is a mistake. It is years before they attempt another trip to a restaurant with their son. More and more they avoid going out in public with their child because he might be disruptive. Now here is a more optimistic approach: In response to his son's whining the father repeats what he learned in the parent training class, What do you say when you are hungry? He son is still squirming, but his father is thinking, He can do this. He needs to learn to ask nicely. His father says, Use your words. Say, "I'm hungry." His son responds by repeating his father's prompt. The mother reaches into her purse and hands him some crackers to eat. Importantly, they waited until he stopped whining and, being prepared, were able to tide him over until dinner arrived. He was still antsy for a while but his mother thought, This is so much better than he was last time. It's still uncomfortable for us and certainly not a "fun" night, but he needs to learn to wait. She leans over to the table next to theirs and says, Sorry if he is bothering you. He had a rough day. The couple at the table smiles and says, Oh, that's okay. You seem to have your hands full. Our daughter used to be like that too. A few weeks later they go out to dinner again, prepared for problems should they arise, but also sure that they know what to do and that it will be a learning experience for their son. As you can see from these scenarios, having a pessimistic view can lead to even more problems. By looking at the situation so negatively, the parents started to avoid these problems (what I call the concession process) rather than try to tackle them head on. In contrast, the optimistic parents were prepared for problems (which in itself can help you be less negative) and they also focused on how things might be getting a bit better. Repeating the experience later also helps them feel less anxious when they see that even if he acts up, it is not something that is impossible to deal with. Q: How can parents reorient their outlook so that they develop a genuine belief that they can help their child and that their child is capable of change? A: Becoming more optimistic takes a bit of guidance and practice. In the book I describe the steps we take to help pessimistic parents see themselves and their situation with their child in a more positive light. The first step involves practicing being aware of what you are thinking when your child misbehaves and when your child is well-behaved. I provide a short "quiz" that helps determine what kind of thoughts you are experiencing—a deceptively difficult task. Once you are good at monitoring your thoughts, then I walk you through several steps such as disputation (challenging these thoughts to see if they are valid), distraction (practicing ways of changing your thoughts and mood when times become difficult) and substitution (using more positive thoughts at difficult times). In just a few weeks, parents are able to see things a bit more optimistically. At the same time, I provide some exercises that involve practicing gratitude and mindfulness, both of which are proven to help people become more satisfied with their lives. All together, these simple steps can help even the most pessimistic mothers and fathers see that they are capable parents and that their child can and will improve with time. Q: In your real-life interactions with families, is there one story you'd be willing to share that stands out as a successful transformation to optimistic parenting and more peaceful family life? A: Early in our research in this area, I worked with a single mom named Diane who struggled with her 13 year-old daughter. The daughter, Julie, was often disobedient and rude to her mother and appeared to have been experimenting with drugs. By the time Diane came to me for help, she was about to give up on Julie. It was painful for her to say, but she confided in me that she didn't think she loved her daughter anymore. The rift between them had become so large that she did not think there was any hope for their relationship. As we discussed ways of dealing with Julie, it became very clear that Diane had a difficult time following through with discipline. She would make frequent threats to punish Julie, but rarely followed up on these threats. Instead, she and Julie had extended screaming matches that led to nasty words and slammed doors. As we discussed her thoughts about these situations, a number of the themes came through. First, Diane felt that Julie was "completely out of control." This was especially true during the outbursts with her mother and Diane thought that Julie must have some unusual problem. Also evident during our discussions was Diane's insecurities about herself as a mother. She felt guilty that she could not make her marriage work and that now her daughter had no live-in father. Diane also seemed to "catastrophize"—describing situations as much worse than they really were. For example, she described Julie as never doing anything I ask of her. However, when she started to write down the problems, Julie was actually more compliant with her mother's requests than Diane realized. All of these thoughts got in the way of Diane following through on consequences for her daughter's disobedience. Over the next few weeks I had Diane work both on understanding her own thoughts (feeling she was not a good mother, seeing one bad situation as much worse than it was, etc.) as well as tips for handling her daughter. We wrote up a behavioral "contract" between Diane and Julie (described in the book) and had very concrete things required of both of them. I also had Diane refute her pessimistic thoughts and practice being more "in the moment" for those times Julie was well-behaved. For example, despite Diane's belief that Julie was completely out of control, her daughter would do things like help with the dishes. I had Diane work on appreciating those times (Isn't it nice that we can be together like this) rather than focusing on the negative (This is the only thing she does around the house). Soon the screaming matches stopped and Diane was able to simply point to the contract when Julie misbehaved and was able to avoid getting into arguments. More importantly, Diane said that by focusing more on Julie's good behavior her feelings about her daughter changed. She now could see that Julie was just struggling with the issues many young girls faced, and that by handling them confidently but lovingly, she could help her daughter through this turbulent time. And, Diane felt good about herself and was proud of her ability as a mother. Things were not always perfect, but Diane could see progress and had time to focus on all of the positive changes in their relationship. She was now an optimistic—and successful—parent.
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